Could You Forgive A Murderer
Posted: Wednesday, September 15, 2010
by Grace O'Malley
Most of us reading that title will not have had first-hand experience answering that question. We may sit there and wonder if it would be plausible for us to do so. If we are innately good people we may say "It would be hard, but I would try". Or you may tell yourself that forgiveness is up to God and move on.
In my mind forgiving someone comes when an instance occurs that is not intended to harm. When there is negligence or purpose behind an act inducing harm, then forgiveness is not as simple to enact.
What do you do though when personally faced with a situation like this that is life altering in many ways?
I have had that situation to deal with. My eldest daughter was beaten by her step-mother and died as a result. Yes, the woman was civilly punished by having spent time in prison (6 months) and was released back into society. She paid her dues according to the law. Once released, she picked up where her life had left off. She went back to her husband (my ex) and they proceeded to have two children of their own. His siblings and his parents continued to accept her as part of the family with no qualms. They forgave her.
While they continued on as if nothing happened, my family and I dealt with the pain the woman's actions dealt by taking a life of a loved one. It has been a number of years since that happened but none of us can forgive and certainly cannot forget.
I have tried prayer, meditation and counseling. While not a constant thought, it does come to mind now and then, especially when reading an article on how a victim's family forgives their loved one's killer and embraces them with kindness.
My question is, if your spouse, or the spouse of one of your close relatives, beat and killed a child, could you accept them as part of your life and continue on as if nothing happened? In a way I am still stunned after all these years that a person would remain married to someone that beat your child to death and have no remorse for doing so. And not only remain with them, but have children with them after the fact. How does one continue to love a person like that? Is there something missing in me that makes acceptance of her in my life impossible?
In my mind forgiving someone comes when an instance occurs that is not intended to harm. When there is negligence or purpose behind an act inducing harm, then forgiveness is not as simple to enact.
I have had that situation to deal with. My eldest daughter was beaten by her step-mother and died as a result. Yes, the woman was civilly punished by having spent time in prison (6 months) and was released back into society. She paid her dues according to the law. Once released, she picked up where her life had left off. She went back to her husband (my ex) and they proceeded to have two children of their own. His siblings and his parents continued to accept her as part of the family with no qualms. They forgave her.
While they continued on as if nothing happened, my family and I dealt with the pain the woman's actions dealt by taking a life of a loved one. It has been a number of years since that happened but none of us can forgive and certainly cannot forget.
I have tried prayer, meditation and counseling. While not a constant thought, it does come to mind now and then, especially when reading an article on how a victim's family forgives their loved one's killer and embraces them with kindness.
My question is, if your spouse, or the spouse of one of your close relatives, beat and killed a child, could you accept them as part of your life and continue on as if nothing happened? In a way I am still stunned after all these years that a person would remain married to someone that beat your child to death and have no remorse for doing so. And not only remain with them, but have children with them after the fact. How does one continue to love a person like that? Is there something missing in me that makes acceptance of her in my life impossible?
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More commentsExcellent thoughtfulness. Dealing with issues that all have considered, but often go unresolved. Great job. Such a subject is hard to deal with successfully, and you have done a heart felt job.Thank you for taking time to read and comment Christofer. You are very kind.Grace
GraceI empathize with you. I can not begin to fathom the the emotional, mental, and spiritual anguish as I have not been in your shoes. In situations no where near the magnitude nor depth of your's, I have found for myself that the first person I have to forgive is myself. Forgive myself for not being there to protect. Forgive myself for harboring judgmental thoughts, hatred thoughts, non tolerance thoughts. Forgive myself for being unable to let go of all things negative to my being including the harm am causing to myself by not being able to even fathom the idea of forgiving.If we do not start with forgiving ourselves it can build up within and actually manifest in to physical disease and the viscous cycle begins.One of the exercises that I suggest for people to do when having such trauma is to write a letter to the person who committed the situation. A letter that says everything that you have held within you. Let it all out and hold nothing back. Once it is written - burn it. The act releases energy caught in our spiritual being. I know it may sound too simple and a bit silly; however, I can tell you in my own personal situation how it worked. I was gang raped. I found out in a court room that it was not some random act. They were paid to commit it. I could not forgive the people involved in the physical act nor could I forgive the person that paid for it to happen. I could not forgive myself for becoming involved with someone that could even imagine the act let alone carry it out. You get the idea.After writing numerous letters over a time period of almost a year, I was finally able to forgive myself and began to heal mentally, emotionally, and spiritually from the event. Have I forgiven the people involved. I am not sure of the term however I have come to no longer think of them nor the event unless it comes to mind for some purpose.When I have occasion to be near the one who paid - there is no anger nor hate. Do allow that person in my life in any way - no. Will I ever be able to say that I have love in my heart for this person - probably not. I do bless them and give them to the Divine to deal with. No longer my problem.Not sure if that helps just sharing my own experience.mwah alwaysHow did I know you would be the one to ask this question? I have been telling my family for years that to let something go they need to write it down, whether in a letter or simply as an act. By doing so it helps alleviate the problem, answer a question or move on with life. I have done it myself in many situations but never this one. You are a life saver Carla. I prayed for and answer and the Divine sent me you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.GraceGraceWe are all "angels" that the Divine works through sometimes we recognize it and sometimes we don't. the mentor I had when I was going through my own life situations was (as I call him) "a miracle worker". I will share with you exactly what he told me. "I ain't no friggin miracle worker ... just an instrument of the Divine. Get your own pen to write with cause you can't have mine."mwah
I find this to be a very touchy subject. In most cases no, it would not be possible. There are some situations were I think it may be plausible, given lifes circumstances. It also depends on the perpatrators previous character (i.e. was this terribly out of normal character). Did the perp. under-go a mental psychosis from a love gone bad... etc.. More importantly, has he/she accepted this horrible responsability and shown remorse, asked forgiveness. I guess in some ways, I could sympathise. In the case of it being a child, it is almost impossible. However, there have been many mothers in the news who were convicted after suffering severe postpartum depression, again I sympathise. I don't think anyone can truly give a propper response without that having occured in their life.
First of all, I would be serving her (the step-mother) life sentence for her because I would not allow her to remain on this earth a free woman, knowing she had killed my child. Second, I would have more than likely got a death sentence, because I would more than likely have stricken them both down, because he allowed her to be killed while in his care, by another he clearly knew had the capacity to commit this crime. As to the living life afterwards part, guess I already answered that. My heart goes out to you and yours, and they need to thank God that you are a much better person than I am.Do you know what is sad David? If you did that in the state they live you would get the death sentence for killing an adult. Their maximum sentence for killing a child however is now 10 years. At the time this happened the maximum was 5 years. You and my hubby totally agree on this one. If we hadn't had a child of our own and one on the way he may have done just that. Thank you for coming by and commenting. You are a sweetie as always.GraceYour absolutely right when you have other children to consider. I was basing my response on the fact that I have only one child. If the state does not wish for people to have to take the law in their own hands, they clearly need to come up with more suitable punishment for the ultimate crime against any man, especially when children are involved. Whatever state that was, has their penalty for these crimes against adults and children ass backwards.
May the almighty give you peace of mind.Thank you Oleg, I appreciate the sentiment.Grace
Excellent question. I have written several pieces on forgiveness and they simply cannot be condensed into a sentence or two - I would love for you to be able to read them and might e-mail you the links.I simply cannot imagine what you guys have gone through.Please do email me the links Marijo! I would like to read them.GraceDid you get them? Through SW e-mail system? I copied and pasted them in - let me know if you didn't get them and I will send them one in each e-mail (maybe it was too long although it looked like it was sent?)I got them thank you! I'll read them this weekend. I appreciate your helping me with this very much. You are a wonderful person MarijoMy prayer is that something in there can give you hope!!!After reading you for the past 2 months I'm sure I will find plenty in them to help. Grace
Hi Grace.Wow! That's a tough question. On the one hand, I believe we should be charitable and forgiving. On the other hand, I believe that there are some things that just should never be condoned in any way. Murder is one of them. In my mind, there is no way beating a child and causing its death thereby could be called accidental. You had to know that you had gone past a simple spanking and yet you continued.My next door neighbor killed my back door neighbor's (since moved away) daughter's miniature Dachshund with a shotgun (from my back yard). He didn't quite kill it with the first barrel (he was drunk) and so we listened to it screaming until he finally finished it with the second barrel. The dog's offense? It was barking. I will never forgive him that and my husband and I shun both him and his wife to this day. I find the response of your Ex and his family to be very odd to say the least. Does that make me hard and unkind and unloving?The only thing that I can add to this is that sometimes forgiving isn't about condoning the acts of a criminal. Sometimes it is simply about letting go of a terrible memory that is keeping you from living a happy life.I sometimes wonder if I "forgave" my neighbor and started talking to him again if I could finally let go of that memory. I'm reminded of that night every time I see him. Others of my neighbors shunned him for a while, but have given it up and now talk with them again. Maybe they are right. But honestly, I don't think that I could do that. That kind of behavior is just wrong and shouldn't be allowed. I don't guess this helped much.Now, I just hope that the Reader's Club doesn't glitch again when I hit save and all my ramblings are lost like what happened with Gregory Lewis' article.Hugs, DianneI'm glad you didn't get glitched because this comment is wonderful Dianne. I believe that forgiving does allow us to move on, but are there times when a situation should not be forgotten? What your neighbor did was inhumane! I don't think I could ever forgive that kind of action without there being a lot of remorse and change in the person's attitude. There should be consequences to that kind of thing and not simply going about your business as if nothing happened.Thanks for a wonderful comment as always.Grace
There is a lot of background information that would help to understand both perspectives. Is there a condition with that woman, or is she psychologically okay? Either way, as unbelievably terrible as this is, I believe that after a certain period of time, you realize that the person you lost is not coming back. When that happens, you need to make the decision to live your life with regret and anger or to try forgiveness and understanding.The woman has an underlying anger issue that no one, including herself, will acknowledge is a problem. I do appreciate your taking the time to think about this and commenting. I hope to see more of you around SearchWarp.Grace
Grace, my heart goes out to you, I could never imagine losing a child that way. 6 months in prison is less that what they hand out for petty crimes like drug possession, not murder. I can't stand how unjust the so called justice system in America is. Personally, I could never forgive someone for taking the life of my child. I know deep down it may be considered the right thing to do for some people, if for no other reason than to help oneself to move on, but for me I would much rather be the person pulling the switch on the electric chair. You are a strong, brave woman for making it through this experience. Always remember that even if evil people do not get the punishment they deserve in this life, they can't escape it forever. God bless, and I hope you will continue to work to overcome this tragic injustice. I will keep you in my prayers.I too have thought about wanting to "pull the switch" Greg. We can move on in life but forgiveness is not a simple thing to enact when a child is taken from you. I appreciate your reading and commenting.Grace
Awesome Two issues are involved in the tradgedy. First failure to forgive and forget the guilt of someone. Second, the right to punish the guilty.It is a tragedy that is. If it had occurred to me, I would have forgiven, even if not punished by law. It's the only way to avoid self-punisnment fault of others.Thus, the tragedy happen in life, accepting it was written in my karma, is the solution. Seprating forcever help quickly forgotten. If you have not been able to forgive and forget, your prayer has tried meditation is no heart.The law has done what it can do.It's loud cry of human rights worldwide, especially in the west should not be capital punishment, even in extreme cases the crime. In case this was intentional crime, the death penalty prevent such crimes in the future. In India, capital punisment for such violations are intentional and brutal establihed. There are reasons of any crime, which leads in this case is not given. If his intention was to kill human beings? Capital punishment is beneificial for cvlization. If it happened by accident or because of its certain mental disorders, he deserves forgiveness and acceptance by the law to get the opportunity to improve.What type of opportunity should be given for the crime of taking a life? An eye for an eye type of punishment is not right, but how do you rehabilitate those who have no remorse for the crimes they commit?Grace
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