Men Versus Women
Posted: Monday, August 23, 2010
by Grace O'Malley
"For Pete's sake, 10 ways to light his fire? You know how to get a man excited? She shows up. That's it. We're guys. We're easy."
Harrison Ford in Six Days and Seven Nights
Yes, men are easy. When it comes to sex, the male of the human species likes it simple. The simpler the better: lights off or lights on. That's about it. Women on the other hand are not so simple.
Think about it. You're together. There's an attraction. You start kissing. Things begin to heat up.
The guy thinks: hot d**n, how soon can I get her clothes off and I wonder if this couch is sturdy enough.
The woman thinks: omg, did I remember to shave this morning? Did I wear my sexy Victoria Secret Angels panties or did I put on the white cotton ones? Will he notice the scar from my appendectomy? (Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.) Is dinner pooching out my belly? (Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.) Does my backside have cellulite? (Men do not get cellulite. God might just be a man.) Should I light some candles? (Candlelight makes anyone look better.) Did I change the sheets recently? Is he going to Maybe I should.
You get the idea. It's not that we women LIKE to be so complicated. It's just in our genes. I mean look at
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restroom will rarely speak a word to one another.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Jim, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
LOW BLOWS:
Let us say for a moment a man and a woman are watching a baseball game on TV. The batter is felled by a strike in the groin.
The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt."
The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for weddings or funerals.
OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a ratty towel picked up from a hotel.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 382. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
See, we can't help it!
The next time though, you guys want to complain about us women, remember one very important thing
Would you really want to live without us?
Harrison Ford in Six Days and Seven Nights
Yes, men are easy. When it comes to sex, the male of the human species likes it simple. The simpler the better: lights off or lights on. That's about it. Women on the other hand are not so simple.
The guy thinks: hot d**n, how soon can I get her clothes off and I wonder if this couch is sturdy enough.
The woman thinks: omg, did I remember to shave this morning? Did I wear my sexy Victoria Secret Angels panties or did I put on the white cotton ones? Will he notice the scar from my appendectomy? (Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.) Is dinner pooching out my belly? (Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.) Does my backside have cellulite? (Men do not get cellulite. God might just be a man.) Should I light some candles? (Candlelight makes anyone look better.) Did I change the sheets recently? Is he going to Maybe I should.
You get the idea. It's not that we women LIKE to be so complicated. It's just in our genes. I mean look at
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restroom will rarely speak a word to one another.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Jim, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
LOW BLOWS:
Let us say for a moment a man and a woman are watching a baseball game on TV. The batter is felled by a strike in the groin.
The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt."
The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for weddings or funerals.
OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a ratty towel picked up from a hotel.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 382. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
See, we can't help it!
The next time though, you guys want to complain about us women, remember one very important thing
Would you really want to live without us?
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)What you say is true; men and women are culturally different; when's the last time you heard a man ask another man,"I gotta pee, ya wanna walk me?""What DO women DO in there together?", men ask themselves, "hold hands and make fountains?"Society teaches men that their egos are not tied to their body'sphysiognomies ;a fat man can feel most secure in himself regardless of his physical shape; a plump woman always asks one,"Does my fat ass make my ass look fat?"Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus; we are both from Earth and we shall have to learn to adjust and deal with each other as society bends our minds and hearts in different directions.A very well written and funny article.PaulI think if I ever hear a man say that to another man and it is not in a comedy routine I'd fall off my chair. What we do in there is a secret ;)Thanks for coming by and commenting. Receiving a positive reaction from a fellow sarcasm junky always helps make my day.GraceI am quite sure that in many of the myriad gay men's bars that abound downtown, in Greenwich Village and in Soho, in New York City, one can see the same facsimile fighter-to-bomber-escort along to the lavatory.....I have a sharp tongue and a rapier wit and just like you have oft been the subject of conversation with fragile, aghast people long after a social gathering; it fares much better for me when I am onstage at a comedy club with eight minutes and with a live microphone where I find I get resounding laughs with the same material....I am sure you hear the same thing that I hear from my wife when we are headed out, "Behave....."Paul
But then what do they use their brains for, Grace? Oops...I recently saw the trailer for a male version of a chick flick. I was pretty sure it had been written by a woman for women, and then they decided to give the roles to men for fun. Men came out of the bathroom giggling with each other, I kid you not!Men have brains? oops did I say that out loud? *winks*Oh now that movie sounds like fun! What was it for, do you remember?Grace
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