Ice Cream Sundaes, School Supplies and Puppies

Her birth was easy. She slid into the world, quietly allowing strangers to make sure she was clean and warm. Eyes yet unfocused, she opened them wide, trying to find the one that had cocooned her in safety these past nine months. As new arms held her she sighed with relief, hearing the thudda-thump of the heartbeat she was accustomed to.

So this was mom.

The infant continued to watch the world the same way she entered it: calmly and with curious eyes. Mom was always there to applaud her accomplishments and tutor her in what was safe and what was not.

As a toddler there were scraped knees and boo-boos cleansed and treated with care. Always followed by cuddle time and great big kisses from the mommy lady who made sure the girl was out of harm's way.

On her second birthday the family celebrated at a big people restaurant. Out of a high chair and in a big girl seat, the child was filled to overflowing with happiness. The waitress heard her humming a tune and asked if she knew the words to any song. Nodding her head she cleared her throat. With the sweetest voice the girl entertained the surrounding diners with her ABC's, sounding each letter in perfect clarity. As applause were given for the flawless performance, she curtsied adorably.

Later that evening, her mother found her crying in bed. Playing softly in the background was the music player given as a birthday gift. The song echoing in the room was about a man who laughed and played and cuddled with his daughter. He proceeds to tell the world how much she is loved. The little girl climbs into her mother's protective arms and whispers "I wish I had a daddy to love me like that".

I wish you did too baby girl.

Remarried and with a new family of his own on the way, the little girl's father was too busy to take care of scraped knees, kiss away owies and hold her when she was sick or frightened. She would hear his voice on the telephone during his weekly call trying to picture what he looked like. The photograph next to her bed was that of a stranger as far as she was concerned. At the end of each call she would tell him she loved him waiting for him to continue the "I love you" game like mommy did. Every time she listened with a sad heart as he said "Uh huh, let me talk to your mom now."

As her fifth birthday approached the child was on cloud nine. Soon she would start big girl school with all the other children in the neighborhood. Mom had promised her lots of fresh new colored pencils, paper, glue and even a bag to carry it in called a backpack! She couldn't wait until the school year began. A week before the big day mom sat her down and told her that she would be getting the present she had been wanting for years: her daddy was finally coming to visit! Not only was he going to visit but he was going to take her to his house for a month. Wasn't that nice?

When the big man came to her door the next day the girl looked at him with eyes as big as saucers. THIS was the father? Running to her bedroom to grab the photograph still sitting on her nightstand, she rushed back to the doorway to compare the man to the picture. There were lines around the eyes now and the twinkle was not apparent in the man standing in front of her. His hair was shorter and the tickle whiskers above his lip were missing. When he crouched down to shake her hand though she realized he was the father in her dreams.

During dinner the big man tells her that she has a brother and another mother waiting to meet her. This was going to be the best 5^th birthday a girl could ever have!

Waving goodbye to the woman who had given her life, provided love and watched over her, the girl was sad to leave. Wiping away her tears she watched as distance faded the woman from view.

Every night the woman called the girl to find out about her day. The perky girl everyone knew was replaced by one filled with resentment. WHEN was mommy coming to get her? She didn't like it here. She wanted to go home! When the call would come to a close, the woman would say "I love you" and the little girl would respond "uh huh".

The weeks dragged on. Plans were made for the woman to meet the child on Saturday and bring her home. Thursday night they spoke of ice cream sundaes, school supplies and finding that puppy the girl had been begging for. When the woman spoke "I love you" she once again heard "uh huh". Heartbroken the woman hung up the phone praying that the child who was her reason for living would once again come to love her.

Minutes later the phone began to ring. As the woman picked up the receiver she heard the bubbling sounds of her daughter yelling "I love you mommy! Lots and lots and lots and lots!", before hanging up the phone.

Those were the last words my daughter ever spoke to me. The next morning her stepmother, in a fit of rage, beat my child about the head for not putting her hair clips away in the proper spot. Eight hours later I stood over her hospital bed holding her hand as the doctor turned off her life support.

This month I would have joined my daughter in celebrating her 21^st birthday. I still will. It may not be at the fancy restaurant with all the trimmings. A picnic under the tree overhanging her headstone will have to do instead. I'll bring her favorite foods and play her favorite songs. When the food is gone and everything is packed away I will blow her a kiss goodbye.

Walking away I will remember that last conversation and tell her softly:

I love you too baby girl. Lots and lots and lots and lots.